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Anyone that knows me knows I can hardly pass up an opportunity to spread the joy of laughter and to have a laugh myself. I don’t know about you but I, for one, am not in the least above a good corny joke. Suspecting you might be a little like me, I thought I’d pass things along.

Enjoy!

  • How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed.
  • What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who.
  • How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in the manger.
  • What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense? “But wait, there’s myrrh!”
  • Why does Scrooge love reindeer? Because every buck is deer to him.
  • What do you call an Elf on the Shelf who just won the lottery? Welfy.
  • Why did Scrooge refuse to eat at the Italian restaurant? It costs a pretty penne.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  • What do you call a snowman who vacations in the tropics? A puddle.
  • What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps.
  • What happened when the snowgirl broke up with the snowboy? She gave him the cold shoulder.
  • What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
  • Why did the snowman turn yellow? Ask the little boy over there.
  • Why did the snowman want a divorce? Because his wife was a total flake.
  • Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.
  • How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
  • What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
  • Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole? No well, no well.
  • What are the best Christmas sweaters made from? Fleece Navidad.
  • The three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
  • Why did only the letter “E” get a Christmas present? The other letters were not E.
  • What’s it called when you go out to buy a piano this holiday? Christmas Chopin.
  • What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis!
  • What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
  • What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days.
  • Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
  • I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
  • A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee. The doctor asked him. “Have you tried icing it?”
  • How do you wash your hands over the holiday? With Santatizer.
  • Why don’t you ever see Santa in a hospital? Because he has private elf care.
  • Why is Santa afraid of getting stuck in a chimney? He has Claus-trophobia.
  • What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.
  • What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
  • What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
  • How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.
  • How can you tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents.
  • Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.
  • If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be? A subordinate Claus.
  • What does Santa spend his hard-earned salary on? Jingle bills.
  • What brand of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.

Wishing you and your household the best of blessings this holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. – Got any good ones I missed? Be sure to drop them in the comments!

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